by Peter L. Benson, Ph.D.

Every stage of parenting has its joys and challenges. Babies are cuddly, but they also require constant attention. Preschoolers are creative, but they get into things that are dangerous. Elementary kids start to show their talents, but it takes energy to teach the skills and discipline they need.

But I most often hear parents struggling with early adolescence, roughly ages 10 to 15. This is when precious children can become perturbing teenagers. “What happened to my little boy?” they ask. Or, “She used to talk to me all the time. I don’t understand.”

Though serious problems are sometimes brewing, that’s not usually the case. Most often what’s going on is called “growing up.” Brains, bodies, beliefs, and emotions all go through significant changes as kids move into adolescence. Kids may try new music, friends, beliefs, and activities—some of which are scary for parents.

Early adolescence generally one of the most challenging times for both parents and kids. But it’s also a normal part of growing up. How do you cope? Try these ideas.

Talk with other parents whom you trust,including those with older children (who can speak from experience and see that “this too shall pass”). Share the joys, challenges, humor, and pain. You’ll likely find that they face similar realities—and may not have talked with others.

Find ways to stay connected. Even though your child wants (and needs) space, don’t let it become a chasm. If the old ways of staying connected don’t work, try something new. One parent I know made time to give his son a backrub before bed each night. His now-grown son remembers the ritual fondly. Other parents find that their kids will talk to them when they’re in the car driving between activities. Turn off the stereo and enjoy the spontaneous conversations.

Encourage other caring adults to connect. Think of other adults (an aunt or uncle, a teacher, a grandparent, a youth worker, a neighbor, a coach) who you trust and who “hit it off” with your child. Encourage them to be intentional in connecting with your child, knowing that those connections can be particularly important now.

Don’t ignore warning signs.Though it’s not usually the case, young adolescents sometimes do have serious clinical issues (such as depression) or get into dangerous experimentation. Though these may just be a phase, they should be taken very seriously as they may affect your child’s long-term health and well-being. Talk to a professional who can help you determine the seriousness of the issue and appropriate courses of action.

Celebrate the new sparks that you see. Part of what’s happening in the early teen years is that kids are sorting out who they are and who they are becoming. In the process, hidden talents, passions, and interests emerge that you may not have recognized before. Celebrate those hints of who your child is and who he or she is becoming. Chances are, you’ll see a reflection of yourself, but you’ll know that what you see is, in fact, a unique and treasured gift for the world.

(Reprinted with permission from Y-Life Magazine, September 2007, www.ylifemagazine.com)

- - - - - - - -

You can have a new column by Peter Benson—and other valuable information from Search Institute—sent to you automatically every month. . . Just sign up here for our E-mail Newsletter!

Additional Help

To get more ideas and encouragement for understanding your preteen and young adolescent, check out this new resource from Search Institute:

Parenting Preteens with a Purpose: Navigating the Middle Years, by Kate Thomsen, M.S., C.A.S. This book for parents of eight to 12 year olds helps you prepare for the early adolescent years, using Search Institute’s framework of 40 Developmental Assets as a guide. It emphasizes the need to care for yourself (not just your children) and also gives specific, asset-based advice for handling key parenting challenges, from academic struggles to technology. For more information or to order, go to www.searchinstitutestore.org.

Also available
MVParents.com is a free Web site for parents. Developed by Search Institute, it highlights practical strategies for parents based on the framework of 40 Developmental Assets that all young people need in their lives to grow up successfully. Parents of young adolescents find it particularly valuable. Click to visit.