I want to talk to you about your iPhone. Or your Blackberry. Or your Mac Book. Or whatever device pertains to you. You maybe don’t want to have this conversation, but let’s have it anyway.
But before we have this conversation, I want to declare a few things in full-disclosure mode: I have a MacBook Pro. Where I go, it goes. I have a new “smart” phone. It’s sorta smart. It ain’t iPhone smart, but it’s pretty smart. I check my twitter feed almost constantly. I’m on facebook. My band has a site on myspace, although I don’t think any of us have actually paid that account any attention for three years or so. I have this blog. I comment on other people’s blogs. I have an RSS feed so robust on my Google Reader, that I rarely make it through an eighth of what’s on there.
So I’m going to preach. But I’m preaching to myself today as well.
Lately when I’ve been doing trainings and speaking, the role technology plays in our daily life has come under serious scrutiny. People seem to recognize all the ways technology has impacted our ability to communicate with one another. But they also say they’re stressed by emails. They talk about how technology has allowed them to feel better connected to others. But they also say they’ve never felt more isolated. More veteran teachers are saddened by the degree to which young colleagues seem to rely on electronic relationships more than the real thing. I don’t think their younger colleagues even know exactly to what they’re referring.
But increasingly, I find that there’s a tone of sadness as people talk about technology. There is a deep concern that there’s a net loss to us as people and friends and coworkers, even as we might have net gains in productivity.
A few anecdotes to consider:
1. The Home Office
The picture above is not my office. It’s my kitchen table. Usually within a few moments of getting home from work, I’ll re-set up my computer right there. Sadly, I’ll probably first go to emails, you know, just in case someone emailed me in the 15 minutes it took me to drive home. It’s just a habit.
But then one day my nine-year-old son came in while I was doing that very routine and said, “Dad. I thought you were home from work.”
Gulp.
I try not to go through that routine anymore and I’m a better person for it.
So how about you? What does your kitchen table look like? How much does technology stalk you at home? What’s the image your family and friends have of you?
2. Listen to me.
Yesterday I met a few friends for a drink after work. We range in age from 25 to 42. We were having a brisk, fun conversation. But my 25-year-old friend was checking his iPhone almost constantly. So I said, “Dude. We’re talking. Pay attention.”
He said, “I AM paying attention. I’m just checking something.”
I don’t think we are paying attention when we’re constantly diverting our attention to WHAT might be happening via technology from what IS happening in the moment.
Sound familiar?
3. The Crackberry
I recently was doing a training when an administrator had a public confession. He shared that when his phone would ring during dinner, he’d get up from the table and answer it.
You know who that makes him? That makes him the dad and husband who gets up from the table and answers his phone. He didn’t want to be that guy. So his solution? He now leaves his phone in the car when he gets home. He simply doesn’t trust himself to not check it, so he put it away.
I dig that. I’m trying it myself.
So what does this all mean? It doesn’t mean we should swear off technology. It doesn’t mean that technology is inherently bad. But it does mean that each and every one of us has to have a very honest and personal conversation with ourselves about what role technology is having on our relationships and what role it has on who we are and are becoming. And if we don’t like what we hear? We need to “punch the shark” and do something about it.
I’d love to hear from you what impact this line of thinking is having on you. Share this with your colleagues. See what they say. Share this with your family and friends.
But don’t text it or email it. Try it in person…
First, recognizing the irony of commenting here rather than just talking to you. But, meh, that’s how I role.
Technology has absolutely, 100%, without a doubt been a blessing upon my life. I am able to have a completely fantastic career from my dining room table in the cool months and my picnic table in the warm months. I’m home when my kids leave for school and when they get off the bus in the afternoon. I’m connected with people down the street and across the world in ways I could never have imagined…ways that lead to very personal, positive, real relationships.
That said, there’s always the potential trap of being more focused on doing than on being. I doubt there has been a generation of parents/people who have not faced that struggle. Our challenge is that there is no precedent; were navigating the digital thing on our own. The gift is that it comes down to the same things it always has: What do we love, what do we believe, where are our hearts? I think I know where your heart is and I love that you are taking such great steps to follow it.
Thanks for the post.
I’m predicting in 1-2 years, the NYTimes will do a one-person trend piece on how millenials are now rejecting technology and it’s now ‘back to the land’. I don’t think we can ever go back, but as we all become immersed, the process of finding a balance will evolve. New media has given me the opportunity to enhance relationships; to catch up with old friends on Facebook, meet new ones on Twitter and Tumblr. Being on vacation this week, however, has only emphasized how much more fun it is to catch up over a cup of coffee and to sit in Central Park watching the little kids and their nannies, free of the need to know what’s happening RIGHT NOW. It even beats being able to check in to Foursquare from Strawberry Fields.
The other night, I noticed my 16 year old receiving multiple text messages in a short period of time. He said he was “having a conversation” with a friend. I had to take on that challenge…. After much discussion, he said he prefers texting to talking because 1. It gives him the chance to think about what he says when a phone conversation or face to face requires him to respond right away and 2. he doesn’t want to bother people if they are doing something… meaning text is better as they can decide when and if they respond.
While there’s somethings right in his reasoning – ie: wanting to think before speaking – I’m concerned about the lack of human connection present in his communication. I fear we’re raising a generation of people who won’t like people very much.
At least he had to have a face to face with me about it.
As a high school counselor that just got his first cell phone (recycled), and a man without a face book account, I have concerns around technology. That being said I did create my offices web site, and use my blog during the school year for my advise es. Technology is a powerful tool, like a nail gun or fork lift (both of which frequently used and sometimes fatal). It can be abused or used but with a little teaching and more important discovery and wisdom can be turned into tools that change lives, for better or worse is in the eye of the beholder. The real comment I had was about the 25 year old that wanted to check things on his smart phone. That used to really bug me, and in intensive communication moments it still does, but something that helped me was talking to the kids that were intimately connected to their phone. What I was able to distill from those conversations was that they really mean no disrespect when they check the phone. They really value both conversations and for them being in the moment really does include both conversations. For me, this is not the case, but the times are a-changing and the way we communicate changes to. So give the guy on the phone a hug, at the very worst it will make him as uncomfortable as his use of the phone makes you.
I really enjoyed reading this article. I am going to use it as a source for my homework assignment that has to do with technology in relationships. Thanks! it was a great read!
You maybe don’t want to have this conversation, but let’s have it anyway.
But before we have this conversation, I want to declare a few things in full-disclosure mode
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I agree with your opinion and I think that you’re so right with this, we are becoming addicted to some things and the technology has it’s part of fault in this too.Unfortunately there is a little part of the population who realize this thing, before is too late, for the others there is no thing that we can do.
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