(from February 1995, Youth Update newsletter) In today's world, we spend a lot of time thinking about what we don't want our youth to do or become. It's even more important, though, to have a clear idea of what we do want for them. How do we want them to grow up? What do we want their lives to look like-both now and in the future?
Just as a carpenter begins the task of building a house by looking at the blueprint, so we, as parents, need to make the time to draw up some plans for and with our kids. Of course, kids aren't really like a house; they are people with a mind of their own who are shaped by many influences. But our vision and priorities as parents do have a tremendous influenceÑmore than anyone else'sÑon who our kids are and what they become.
Carpenters know that they need saws and hammers, sawhorses and nails, lumber and shingles to build a strong house. Likewise, there are some tools and materials parents need in raising healthy, confident, and caring youth. Search Institute has identified 30 "developmental assets" that are some of the essential tools and materials kids need to grow up healthy. These assets fit into six broad categories:
- Providing love and support
- Providing appropriate boundaries and discipline
- Involving them in positive, structured activities
- Nurturing in them a commitment ot education and learning
- Instilling positive values and commitments
- Nurturing skills and self-confidence
As a parent, you are likely already putting lots of energy into nurturing some of these important things. As you begin thinking about them from a positive, asset focus, there are some ways to focus your energy:
- Instead of always worrying about the problems that might come up, focus on the positive, important values, aspirations, skills, standards, and activities you want for yourself, your family and, especially, your children. Then put your energy into instilling those things.
- Talk with your teenager about what kinds of strengths or "assets" you would hope he or she would experience. Talk about your concerns and desires, and listen to his or hers. You'll likely discover important things you share.
- Build on the strengths in your relationship. Sometimes we think we have to focus our attention on the problem areas. It may be just as important to enhance the stronger areas, which will open doors to more and more of the tougher issues over time.
- Too often, we think that we have to take all the responsibility. In reality, our teenagers are "co-builders" alongside us. Recognizing and affirming their abilities will make your efforts more successful and rewarding.
- As you begin focusing on asset-building with your teenager, think about ways to model an asset-building lifestyle. Nurture your own growth, values, and priorities. Live out the values and priorities you hope for in your youth.
- Playing with our teenagers sets the stage for other, more intense interaction. Play basketball, go fishing, toss the Frisbee, bake cookies, visit a park, read aloud, play cards, plant a garden. Later-when you need to be together in an important, intense way-these shared activities will have laid a firm foundation on which to build.
- Reach out to others in the community. Rare are the parents who can raise strong, healthy children all by themselves. Parents need is a team-a community of caring people who share with us the responsibility of raising the children of our communities. These people may be extended family, neighbors, friends from civic organizations, work, or your congregation. Or they may be people in school, community agencies, business, or government who have opportunities and responsibilities to support families.
It may be awkward to reach out, particularly since parents aren't always used to asking others to help with raising their children. If that's the case, try some of the following ideas:
- Let others know your needs and limitations. Often congregations, schools, and other organizations are eager for parents to be involved, but they don't accomodate parents with appropriate meeting schedules, help with child care, and other needs. Parents need to be clear about the kinds of things that will make it possible for them to be involved.
- Build relationships with individuals, groups, and families who can provide both you and your teenager with support and guidance.
- Recognize that there are many different ways to get involved. You may not be interested in being part of a parent-teacher organization, but you may be interested in helping to sponsor a hobby club for students after school.
As parents, we begin nurturing assets from the day our children are born. And while it's easier if we've laid a strong foundation of assets throughout their childhood, we can still make a positive difference by investing new energy in building assets that may be missing right now during adolescence. Getting started is important so that the foundation is in place as our kids face new challenges and pressures.
Asset-Building Ideas for Parents
Here are some ideas you can use to get started building specific types of assets. Some of the ideas focus on what you do within your family; others deal with getting others in the community involved on your child's asset-building team.