By Jennifer Griffin-Wiesner
(from August 1995, Youth Update newsletter)
Sometimes we view assertiveness as being pushing, selfish, or rude. But that's
not necessarily accurate. Being assertive doesn't mean "getting what you want"
or convincing others to behave in certain ways. Rather, it's the ability to stand
up for yourself, your ideas, and your beliefs-without being aggressive or
demanding-and the strength to support others when they need a helping hand.
Assertiveness is one of 30 "developmental assets" that Search Institute has identified
as helping youth function as responsible, mature people. This asset is becoming
increasingly important in a society where youth are dealing with tough, important
decisions. Young people facing violence, pressure to use alcohol and other drugs,
decisions about sexual activity, choices regarding education and career, and other
choices need to stand up for themselves and what they believe.
But assertiveness isn't only important in dealing with tough choices. Communicating
ideas, opinions, and needs is key to successful job interviews and performance,
healthy relationships, and being in control of one's own life. Furthermore, students
who ask questions, offer their opinions, and defend their positions become more engaged
in what they are learning and doing.
Four Keys to Assertiveness
So how do young people develop this asset? Parents, educators, youth group leaders,
and others can guide youth in becoming more assertive building in young people four
keys to assertiveness-confidence, clear thinking, clarity about one's values and beliefs,
and good communication.
- Confidence-
According to parenting expert Alfie Kohn, a young person is more likely to
demonstrate assertiveness if he or she "has a healthy self-image and confidence in his
[or her] opinion." Building confidence at home, in school, and elsewhere requires welcoming
debate and controversial opinions. On the other hand, parenting and teaching styles that
assume there is one right answer or one best way of doing something teach young people
that speaking their minds gets them in trouble. Let young people know that you want to
hear their opinions. They need to know that they can say 'no' or disagree and still be
iked and respected.
- Clear Thinking-
A key to being consistently assertive is being able to think and
speak for yourself "on the spot," especially in stressful situations. Priscilla Prutzman,
executive director of Children's Creative Response to Conflict, recommends role playing
(acting out different situations) as a way of practicing what to say and how to react in
different situations. Role playing can be done at home, in schools, with youth groups,
and among friends.
Role playing can be especially useful in helping adolescents be assertive when facing
negative peer pressure. According to Dr. Peter Scales of Search Institute, prevention
programs that have the most impact consistently include practice in how to "say no."
Ideas for scenarios to act out include trying to sell the young person something he or
she doesn't want, begging her or him to give you something, and trying to convince the
young person to do something he or she doesn't want to do (such as use alcohol or other drugs).
- Clarity About Values and Beliefs-
Being clear about your values and beliefs-and committing
to them-is critical to being assertive in resisting negative pressure, says Dr. Peter
Benson of Search Institute. "One of the reasons assertiveness is lacking in some kids
is that they are just not clear about what matters to them."
For example, a young person who is committed to postponing sexual activity is better
prepared to resist pressure than her or his peers who are not sure or have never given
it much thought. Helping young people think about and clarify what they believe gives
them confidence to be assertive about those beliefs.
- Good Communication-
Good communication skills are critical to being assertive. Clear,
articulate speaking and writing help young people share their thoughts, ideas, and
opinions with others. Encourage youth to talk and write about things that are important
to them.
Young people also need to learn the value of listening. Part of being a good communicator
is being an active listener. Active listeners are engaged in conversations, ask questions
and seek clarification when they are unsure about what's being said, and give feedback and
reactions. Parents and teachers can both model and teach these skills.
Return to top of page
Assertiveness and Gender
Popular belief is that women and girls are less assertive than men and boys. However,
according to Dr. Judith Gibbons of St. Louis University's department of psychology, early
studies of assertiveness were dependent on the action or decision that the subjects were
asked to make. Girls more often gave in or kept their opinions to themselves when they
didn't really care about the issue. Later studies found that girls are as assertive as
boys when the task or decision is something about which they have strong feelings. In
addition, ongoing Search Institute research finds no significant differences between
females and males on self reports of assertiveness. All young people can be assertive.
Return to top of page
Assertive, Not Aggressive
Assertiveness is direct, honest, confident, and respectful of a variety of perspectives.
But when it is used to manipulate or convince others, it can quickly turn to aggression.
Aggression is characterized by hostility, force, and a disregard for other perspectives
or other people.
Youth who are aggressive (sometimes called "bullies") may actually feel insecure and
have low self-esteem. They may feel the only way to get what they want is to use force.
These young people are especially in need of support in developing self-esteem and
confidence that they can be successful without putting others down.
All young people need assertiveness. It is a life-long competency that helps people
lead healthy lives and make wise choices. But, even assertive people don't get everything
they want or need every time they want or need it. There will always be disappointments,
even when a situation has been handled well. However, if young people know what they think
and believe and can convey that to others, more often than not they will feel successful
and confident about themselves and their decisions.
Return to top of page
Ideas for Nurturing Assertiveness in Young People
What Kids Need to Succeed-a book about building assets for young people, available
from Search Institute-offers these and other ideas on how families, schools, communities,
and congregations can nurture assertiveness:
Families:
Point out and talk about assertive, aggressive, and passive behaviors you see
in movies, videos, and television programs you watch together.
Schools:
Encourage students to express their beliefs verbally and in writing without fear
of being put down.
Communities:
Encourage young people to attend meetings about important community issues.
Kids will see first-hand how people stick up for their beliefs, and may assert their own positions as well.
Congregations:
Start a discussion group for young people. Encourage them to talk about
controversial topics. Set group rules like no put-downs, no criticism, and everyone has the chance to contribute.
Return to top of page
Copyright © 1995 by Search Institute. This article may be printed for personal use only.
Other uses require prior permission
from Search Institute, 1-800-888-7828. All rights reserved.