By Jennifer Griffin-Wiesner
(from November 1994, Youth Update newsletter) "It's so unfair! All my friends' parents let them go to hotel parties after prom." "I know I said I wouldn't take the car without asking, but I was really late for school." "I don't know where I'll go after the game, why can't you just trust me?! " "How can you say you don't like my friends? You don't even know them! "

Where do you draw the line with teenagers? When are you flexible? All adolescents and their parents deal with issues like these at some point during their relationship (or more realistically, throughout their relationship). The way parents choose to deal with them may have an important impact on how healthy and competent their teenagers grow up to be.

Most, if not all, teens test their limits for what's okay behavior and what's not. They want and need more freedom than when they were children.

At the same time, young people still need the experience of adults to help guide them through adolescence. Yet parents and teens won't see eye to eye on every issue. At times both might feel it's more trouble than it's worth to negotiate rules and appropriate behavior. It might seem easier to parents to avoid conflict by either just giving in or "pulling rank. "Both extremes can be hazardous to the teenager's health!


Dictator or Doormat

When it comes to raising healthy, competent young people, extreme parenting styles are not effective-and are more difficult in the long run.

Some young people have parents who are overly permissive and let their teens make all of their own decisions. However, these teens tend to have little sense of commitment and surprisingly do not take initiative to make their own decisions, reports Susan Harter of the University of Denver.

On the other hand, parents who try to rule by force may end up with teens who rebel and test the limits even further. Research conducted by Harvard Medical School shows that adolescents whose parents use punishment and severe discipline to control their behavior are more likely to end up in trouble.

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Finding a Balance

Balancing the need to set limits and encourage youth to make responsible decisions is a key to raising mature, competent young adults. Limits and consequences play a critical role in helping young people learn to make wise, caring, and healthy decisions.

Dr. Peter Benson of Search Institute says, "Young people need the adults in their lives to set standards and rules, enforce reasonable consequences, and care about their whereabouts." In the RespecTeen-sponsored report, The Troubled Journey, Benson identifies five assets known as boundaries (or "controls") that help young people learn to make wise choices. While these boundaries focus on parents and parental issues, they can be encouraged, supported, and reinforced by schools, youth workers, congregations, and others. The assets are listed here, with percentages of youth who have these assets in their lives, based on The Troubled Journey study of 47,000 youth:
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Responsive Parenting

Saying that young people want and need these boundaries does not mean that parents should try to "lay down the law." Dr. Laurence Steinberg, and Ann Levine, authors of You and Your Adolescent, encourage what they call "responsive parenting."

Responsive parents love and respect their children and also realize that there are bound to be conflicts. The goal of responsive parenting is to teach adolescents to be responsible for their own behavior and considerate of others, in other words, to build their internal assets! Steinberg and Levine suggest the following guidelines for parents of teens:
Sixty-six percent of young people surveyed by Teen Magazine say the people who influence them the most are members of their families. Clear, reasonable boundaries can and do make a difference in the lives of teens if they are consistently upheld and fairly renegotiated. The key to successfully building these assets is helping teens know and respect appropriate limits and guidelines for behavior while giving them the freedom to learn and grow into independent, mature young adults.

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Building Boundaries Together

Parents, teens, schools, communities, and congregations all can establish and enforce clear, reasonable boundaries for youth. Boundaries help youth know their limits and learn to make healthy, responsible choices on their own. Below are ideas for how different sectors can work to build these assets.

Parents:
Schedule regular meetings with your teen to talk about his or her expectations, frustrations, responsibilities, and successes. Let your teen know you want to hear his or her ideas and opinions. Work together to establish guidelines for behavior and consequences when guidelines aren't followed.

Teens:
Invite your parent(s) or another special adult to spend a day or evening with you. And then plan it! Try taking them someplace you like to go where they've never been. Ask them about the kinds of things they liked to do when they were your age.

Schools:
Ask teens to be part of parent/teacher conferences. Encourage teens to be an active part of the discussion and listen to what they have to say.

Communities:
When planning programs, events, or other activities include parents and youth in discussions about standards for conduct for participation.

Congregations:
Offer parenting classes that concentrate on setting appropriate limits and boundaries. Ask teens in your youth group to talk about the same issues from their perspective. Bring the two groups together for a joint discussion of boundaries.

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Copyright © 1995 by Search Institute. This article may be printed for personal use only. Other uses require prior permission from Search Institute, 1-800-888-7828. All rights reserved.